Here at Annie's Agony Aunt Corner, we are not qualified to solve real problems, so we make our own. With a pack of cards against humanity cards, selected at random.
Written entirely for the purpose of humour.
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Dear Agony Aunt,
I’m having trouble with the true meaning of Christmas. I know it’s just been, but the whole holiday I was conflicted about the true meaning of it all and would like your advice.
From Father Christmas
Dear Father Christmas,
I’m sorry to hear that Christmas has been troubling you, especially for this long and I'm glad you've been able to speak out about this problem. My advice would be to define what it means to you. Try to think about experiences you and Christmas have had together and what you got from those to figure out your meaning of the holiday. Everyone is different so there isn't a right or wrong answer, it's what you feel inside that matters the most. So dig deep and explore Christmas to find your true meaning.
From Agony Aunt
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Dear Agony Aunt,
Bees? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a bee? I have. I think it could be quite peaceful and rewarding, especially when floating through the air. Imagine the sweet scent of necta flying through the are as the swarm collect it to late be made into the beautiful thing called honey. Bees? What amazing creatures that are so misunderstood. I think I would give anything to be a bee. I would take on any demand given to me to be able to become a bee.
From Jerry Seinfield
Dear Jerry,
I’m sorry to hear you aren’t happy with who you are and wish to change to a bee, but you may be in luck! As it happens, the other day I was having lunch with the Wizard of Oz junior and he told me about a new power he was learning to acquire in school. He said it is one of the most difficult powers to acquire but once you do you can change shapes, sizes and even species. I tell you what, I am going to pass along your detail to the man himself and he’ll be in touch as soon as possible. I do hope you’re happy once you’re a bee.
From Agony Aunt.
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Dear Agony Aunt,
I have this horrible feeling that goblins are living under my bed! I just can’t understand it, I haven’t cleaned in 3 years under there why on earth would they want to stay there? But they do and they are and I need to get rid of them. I have attached a drawing for your reference so you can understand the fear I live in. PLEASE HELP ME!
From Warick Davis.
Dear Warick Davis,
I haven’t encountered this type of inhabitant before but thank you for your picture, I have a deeper understanding of why you’re so scared. My advice would be to just sit them down and be straight with them, tell them they have to go whether they like it or not. You need time to clean because frankly, 3 years is a little gross. So tell them, tell them it isn’t working out and they all need to get out before you call in Dumbledore to banish them to Azkaban Prison.
From Agony Aunt.
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Dear Agony Aunt,
I have some concerns about raptor attacks. I know that they have a secret island out there full of prehistoric creatures, the government don't want us to know but I do and I will tell the truth! But anyway I have concerns over raptor attacks and how to deal with them if one occurs. I need some sound advice on what to do when the inevitable happens dinosaurs once more, roam this earth under the new rule of King Charlizard.
From Killer Croc.
Dear Killer Croc,
I regret to inform you that I don’t believe the plot of Jurrasic Park has come true. I just simply don’t see the science behind it becoming a reality. It would take an awful lot of engineering to complete which I believe humans are capable of but would be stupid to go through with. We’ve all seen the movies (all SIX of them! WITH ANOTHER COMING OUT THIS YEAR!!) and every time it ends the same, absolute carnage. So in reference to the raptor attacks, I don’t think you’ll need to defend yourself as there won't be any. However, if you feel you need the extra knowledge and security then I did read somewhere they loved a good marshmallow, so keep a stash of those and you’ll be golden.
From Agony Aunt.
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